I’ve been mulling over this blog post for a few weeks now. Questions of when to write it and how to present it have kept me second-guessing myself about it. But if I never write it…well, it will never be written! I will pepper it with Egan’s 10 month pictures. A HUGE thanks to my MIL for the vintage suitcases – I adore them and can’t wait to put more babies inside!
I hit a low spot a couple of days before Christmas. That’s not really the best timing, I agree.
It all started when I took Egan to his 9 month checkup. We found out that he had lost a pound. Although Dr. Perry didn’t act like he thought there was a huge problem, he helped me make a plan to drastically increase Egan’s calorie intake and asked me to bring him back in 3 weeks so we could check his weight again. He indicated that, if he had not started to gain at that time, some tests would have to be done to see if there was a problem causing him to lose the weight.
I think that it took a few days for this to sink in. What at first didn’t seem like that big of a deal to me, gradually became borderline to a crisis in my mind. Babies don’t need to lose weight at all – especially not a pound! I felt waves of guilt for not noticing this was happening. I remember that he had practically outgrown his cloth diapers – I was having to squeeze him into them – and then they began to fit better. Other babies that we know who are younger than Egan were starting to look his size or maybe even a little bigger.
I was embarrassed to think that I may not have been feeding my child enough. He has a very similar diet to what Izzy was eating at his age…and he wasn’t really acting hungry. He had gotten clingy, but as long as he was being held, he didn’t make a peep.
And then, the recurring thought – What if something is really wrong with my son??? I know of parents who have been through the trenches with early childhood health issues. I’ve read their blogs and heard their testimonies in church. I’ve prayed for them. I’ve given money in fund-raisers for them. I don’t know how many times I’ve said, “I can’t imagine what they are feeling. I can’t imagine how terrible it is for them.” Because I’ve never been one of them. We have been so blessed with healthy children.
So I found myself a couple days before Christmas with this enormous fear that something is terribly wrong. It was not really a great time for me to sit around and worry; the to-do list was a mile long. But I found myself, sitting on my bed while the kids were running rampant, unable to shake a sense of dread. It came to me that I could read the Bible. I’m not trying to look saintly at all; I’ll confess that my Bible reading almost always comes to a halt for a couple weeks during the holidays because of changes in schedules.
I ended up in Isaiah 53, which, if I remember the facts from the Seminary Extension course I took on Isaiah correctly, is the fourth and last of the Servant Songs. (Four passages in Isaiah that prophesy about Jesus.) It is also, by far, my favorite Servant Song. When I saw where I had flipped open the Bible, I immediately felt relief. Reading about what Jesus was going to go through always helps me put my own problems into perspective.
But, as I was reading, an unexpected question popped into my mind. Do you trust Me with your son? I am hesitant to write out what I sense God trying to tell me, since I don’t ever want to “put words in His mouth.” But, on this day, what He was trying to tell me went something like this: Do you trust Me with your son? Daughter, it is easy to trust Me with yourself. You’ve pretty much done that your whole life. But, these children I have entrusted you with, it will be harder to trust someone else to take care of them. I have designed you to have the strongest of attachments to them. You want to be able to control every little thing that happens to them, because you love them so much and they are yours to protect, but you can’t. Do you trust Me? Do you trust Me to take care of your children? Do you trust Me with your son?
And I really don’t know how to close out this post. Except to say that, if I have to trust my children with anyone else, I am glad I can do it with Someone who understands what it is like to see a child that He loves so deeply to suffer. Someone who has been there. The difference is, this Someone went through all of that with His own child, not because He had to, but because He loves my children so much.
That is who I will trust with my son.
As a side note, I am not trying to scare anyone about Egan’s health. We have added a lot of calories to his diet, and although I don’t know if he has gained weight, he is a lot more of a cheerful, independent baby. I will take him back to the doctor tomorrow, and I will be sure to post (eventually!) the results. If you want to pray for him, that’s fantastic, but I wasn’t posting this to get us extra attention or make anyone worry. The purpose of this post is just to share what’s going on in my Christian parenting journey.